It’s a kind of negative attitude, you may need these handy Sarcastic Instagram Captions to counter-argument. For a second I thought you weren’t a pathetic attention seeker. Nobody gets out alive. We unconsciously think it can take care of itself. The best kind of wedding is one that leaves your bellies (and hearts) full. I’m not saying it was aliens, but it was aliens! An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute, forget the fruit. Just one more cookie. I’m not listening, but keep talking. I don’t always study, but when I do, I don’t. You have come to the perfect place. Best friends. You Too? Referencing funny lines from the movies never grow old. It makes me want to gouge my eyes out. Wish You Were Me? You have to love yourself, first, before anyone else can love you. Treat yourself as a Queen, and you’ll attract a King. Alcohol will give different, type of superhuman power! 43 Yellowstone Instagram Captions for Your Favourite Summer Spot! When you don’t believe in yourself, your best friend believes in you. For me being in math class is like watching a foreign language movie without any subtitles. Read – Short Instagram Caption for Friends (Funny, Cute, Taunts) Witty Instagram Captions For Selfies. Haya I love this girl captions collection. Hello Friday! Keep smiling because life is a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about. I think I’m ready to go pro. There’s something about childhood friends that you just can’t replace. I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly. Worrying about your followers, you need to get yo ur dollars up. 300 Funny Instagram Captions that you can use for all your photos. – Unknown, Summer should get a speeding ticket. I need a six month holiday, twice a year. Skin gets darker. It’s like punching people in the face but with words. We love the things we love for what they are. Love can be unselfish, in the sense of being benevolent and generous, without being selfless. What do you call a bear with no ears? Even I don’t believe myself when I say I’ll be ready in five minutes. Really?? Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything. Three mistake did by everyone. Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape. No matter how good a person you are there will always be someone criticizing you. I am not lazy, I am just on save energy mode. Free hot dogs and chili, you always pay for them later. Handle every situation like a dog. You’re just creating your own little drama out of pure insecurity. If it comes back, it was meant to be. People say it is hard to find friends, just because best one is with me. Whenever you encountered in that situation where you want to convey a strong message to your opponent. Sorry I'm late. Yet despite the look on my face… you are still talking. From short and funny quips, to song lyrics, romantic quotes, and even lines from rom-coms, we found some perfectly cute couples captions for Instagram to broadcast your love. IT’S LIKE PUNCHING PEOPLE IN THE FACE, BUT WITH WORDS. A funny friendship caption will definitely bring a smile on your friend’s face, scroll down and check our list of ‘150+ Funny Instagram Captions for Friends’. Me! It may hurt you to look back in past or scare you to think what the future has in store for you, but those things might not happen if you have a best friend in the present with you. I love that you are my person and I am yours, that whatever door we come to, we will open it together. Sarcasm – the ability to insult idiots without them realizing it. looks green and sunny and the caption over the province reads "Oooh! Instagram, Facebook, and GF! On Mercury, a day lasts 1,408 hours. Cute as a button, but not quite as smart. Sometimes I need expert advice. Fight for you. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, maybe it really is a duck. I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying! Every Instagram user posting on Instagram but without funny Instagram captions no one reacting to your post. Just me. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind. You can use them as Instagram Captions, on Facebook photo captions, etc. I look at people sometimes and think ….. Do I really look like a guy who spent the past hour trying to get the right lighting for this selfie? I’ll never try to fit in. I find out so much about me that I didn’t even know. Drinks get colder. (So what if mine are of the “conceal and carry” type? Some of us just want a tan.” — Mandy Hale. I walk around like everything is fine. You can use all captions for free. I might have accomplished all three.”, “When people tell me, ‘You’re gonna regret that in the morning,’ I just sleep until noon. Be with those that bring out the best in you, not the stress in you. The way I see it: the more people hate me, the less people I have to please. Today, you will get married, and I will eat cake. I am in a flirtationship. I smile because I have no idea what’s going on. Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. Christina Grimmie I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody […] Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. The good stuff is on the inside. My life is a constant battle between my love for food and not wanting to get fat. I wish everybody had one. You and I are more than friends. Hell, do both. You can only find yourself once you get lost in nature. —Paulo Coelho”, “Have you posed by a naked statue today? Seen mountains view lead to you another life and you’ll be mesmerized by the beauty of the mountain... Instagram Captions for mountain view. I can sea clearly now; Summer is a state of mind. Don’t try to find answers because when you find the answers, life changes the questions. Jan 10, 2021 - Explore Shakman63.com's board "Funny captions" on Pinterest. Like 2-3 million dollars. How do I put this, you’ll never sleep again. Has one night stand, but way too many books to fit on it. It’s just a hill get over it. Stay strong, make them wonder how you’re still smiling. Do what? Make it simple, make it short! If you have a problem with me, call me. 87. No harm in sharing a good laugh! People who hate You are the ones who view your profile the most. Lies I tell myself: Just one more cookie. Really?? picture of me and accidentally posted this, I’m so embarrassed! So be yourself. Life doesn’t have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. Because anyone else heard our conversations we’d end up in the mental hospital. Wine is always the answer. Seriously, another selfie? Stay safe, eat cake! – Sam Keen, When all else fails, take a vacation. The best way to look younger, hang out with older people. Sometimes I wish I was a bird. Nothing is lost until your mother can’t find it. You miss one day, Beyonce shows up unannounced. THIS IS THE MONDAYEST MONDAY THAT EVER MONDAYED. Love how some people try to get you down. Worst two minutes of my life!”. Can we just skip to the part of my life where I travel the world? I JUST DON’T WANT TO LOOK BACK AND THINK “I COULD’VE EATEN THAT”. My advice to y'all is, don't … I wouldn’t call them lies! The truth will set you free. Be someone else’s sunshine. Sometimes, someone comes into your life so unexpectedly, takes your heart by surprise, and changes your life forever. I don’t always make sense, but when I do, I don’t. When nature is your home, you don’t visit it. Instagram is down, just describe your lunch to me. You only drink diet soda? Don’t worry about what people think. We’re on the same side now. Just like everyone else. Onions make me sad. I yell, “Do a flip!”. I don’t always surf the internet, but when I do, eyebrows! If life gives you lemons, just add vodka. I see food and I eat it. – Audrey Hepburn. My pillow gives me a new style of hair every morning! A smile is a curve that sets everything straight. My bad. I cry. I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. Invite me to play Candy Crush one more time. Join the circus and grow your Social Media the fun way. We get it, you weren’t loved as a kid and started for attention. They don’t do it very often. Life is like a toilet paper. We’re like a really small gang. For your guidance, at one place we have got you covered Funny Sarcastic Instagram Captions that have a big impact on others. Hey girl, I like the way we finish each others, sandwiches. Eat a lot. God is really creative, I mean just look at me. When your profile consists of all selfie, perhaps you should get a life. No one really knows how. Did you forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago or are you just that desperate for attention? Take every chance you get in life, because some things only happen once. If there would be an award for laziness, I would send someone to pick it up for me! Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. Say “Beer Can” with a British accent. 121+ Clever Brooklyn Bridge Instagram Captions For Your Perfect Pictures. Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence. If you’re waiting for me to give a shit, you better pack a lunch. That is the reason one should never marry. – Unknown, If you’re not barefoot then you’re overdressed. Live for today, plan for tomorrow, party tonight. You can tell how much someone likes you by the number of times they show up in your selfies. Happiness comes in waves. Every tall girl needs a short best friend. Encourage you. – James Dent, Summer: Hair gets lighter. A clever person solves a problem. Of course not! — My My My! Haters are my favorite. Friendship isn’t a big thing – it’s a million little things. Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt. A blind man walks into a bar. How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? I don’t have Ex’s, I have Y’s. You’d have a big ego too, if you were as great as I am. Lives change like the weather. If had a dollar for every smart thing you say, I’d be poor. Sarcasm is an intentional remark on somebody, these words can be used as funny and sometimes serious. (Seriously, my quads are burning)”, “Welcome to the gun show! I’m just intelligent beyond your understanding. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death. Who’s that cute person? Some people arrive and make such a beautiful impact on your life, you can barely remember what life was like without them. It’s why suitcases have wheels now. Love planted a rose, and the world turned sweet. Long line at Starbucks, first world problems. Me, myself and I. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars. Let’s talk about Instagram. Please? By now we hope you have found one of your funny Instagram captions to put under your photo.There’s so many quotes in the world. Just saw the smartest person when I was in front of the mirror. You have come to the perfect place. 88. By the way, I’m wearing the smile you gave me. Fall in love with somebody who will never let you go to sleep wondering if you still matter. Ready to explore? My dog is mad at me because they could smell another dog on my clothes. It went so well I went ahead and had all my hairs cut!”, “I call this the ‘Hey, at least I tried.’”, “The best things in life either make you fat, drunk, or pregnant. . Sometimes I’m asleep. Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity. Posting lyrics on your status, hoping at least one person will read them and take the hint. Learn the difference, my friends. I can’t wait to ugly cry at the next wedding. Finding friends with the same mental disorder is priceless. Did you see me do that? It’s already tomorrow in Australia. Instagram Captions for Selfies and Selfie Quotes. Turn off the internet and they’ll show up quickly. (Because I fell asleep in this outfit and makeup. The lyrics always speak right to my heart. Make love, not war. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. 33 Instagram Captions For Backyard Picnics PICS, Special 47 Captions For Leap Day INCLUDE Leap Quotes, 39 Atlanta Captions for Instagram Pictures INCLUDE Quotes about Atlanta, BEST (37+) Beer Instagram Captions Quotes for Your Cool Party PIC, 51+ BEST IG Caption For Grandparents & Quotes about Grandparents. I am not lazy, I am just on my energy saving mode. When one door closes, another one opens. You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams. !”, “No mom, I’m not serious. Hwne they disappear, it’s a beautiful day. I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate. Never let anyone treat you like a yellow Starbust. Sarcasm, because beating the crap out of people is illegal. For every action, I have a clever reserve caption. I hope we are good friends until we die, then I hope we can stay ghost friends, walk through walls and scare people. Like “Why Did I ever date you?”. But sometimes their ideas are just absolutely awesome! If you don’t let go, you’ll never know how high you can rise. Can I take your picture?? To streamline the process, here's a list of funny Instagram captions to use on New Year's Day so all you have to do is copy, paste, and send. Why fall in love when you can fall asleep? Admit it, you love your friends and you go crazy when you’re with them. – Unknown, Summer is here. DEPRESSO. I’m here for a good time not a long time. I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it. That moment when you realize it wasn’t a fart. Sometimes I pretend to be normal. Is Google a boy or a girl? Remember when you were better than me ?.. When the bus driver starts driving before you even get to your seat. I don’t know what’s tighter, our jeans or our friendship. So, you’re on Instagram? – Jarod Kintz. Keep on hating. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. I know the voices in my head aren’t real. Don’t interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle. It’s okay if you don’t like me. Me? In a relationship? I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere. Live the live you want to, not the one you’re supposed to. Never cry for anyone that doesn’t value your tears. This is the ultimate guide for a funny caption, including hilarious travel puns! I SPEND A LOT OF TIME HOLDING THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR OPEN LOOKING FOR ANSWERS. Sometimes I have to tell myself it’s not worth the jail time. I’d give a fuck but I already gave it to your mother last night when you’re downie eat a brownie. It’s very obvious that the first step to getting thousands of Instagram likes is a great photo but it’s not the end because if you want to be noticed then you need more than a good photo and hence your pictures must be accompanied by some funny captions for Instagram.. We have accumulated a long list of funny captions for friends, funny selfie captions, and funny captions for Instagram. You can’t buy a business but you can buy a plane ticket and that’s kind of the same thing. Congrats on making it o-fish-ial. She fits into your wife’s clothes. You cannot control whom your heart falls in love with, but it’s funny because you can decide whom to date. Brains are awesome. 75% of my humor starts with a bad photograph. Won’t someone help me? See more ideas about funny, bones funny, funny cartoons. I’ll never try to fit in. Please give me some patience now, now, now. Stand by you. I followed a diet but it didn’t follow me back, so I unflawed it. You don’t have to jump high for people to like you, love you, want to be with you, and notice you. Water gets warmer. How to Use instagram Captions to Boost Your Reach (with Humor and your own Voice), Best and Cutest Birthday Instagram Captions for Anyone. Choose your topic and your favorite quote – and copy and paste it under your Insta-photo update! Wish all your enemies a long life, so they can see you succeed in life. 89. Lesson learned. After Tuesdays, even the calendar goes WTF. I don’t always surf the internet, but when I do, eyebrows. Girls like my smiley face because I clean my teeth thrice a day. I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me. I have always depended on the kindness of strangers. Taking selfie is a lot of hard work when you’re ugly. If I had a flower for every time I thought of you…I could walk through my garden forever. Life is short, false, it’s the longes thing you do. Boys are like purses, cute, full of crap, and can always be replaced. Let’s just stay friends=never talk again. That annoying moment when you finally get comfortable in bed, but then BAM, you have to pee. ... View image. At least, not Sunday nights. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. I hate it when I’m singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong. I’m not saying it was aliens, but it was Aliens! The more people I meet, the more I love my cat. What do you call a thieving alligator? Yesterday, I changed my WiFi password to “Hackitifyoucan”; today, someone changed it to “ChallengeAccepted”. Sometimes, all you need is a change in scenery. For me, math class is like watching a foreign movie without subtitles. Me neither. Only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another with some loss of money. Yesterday, I changed my password to ‘HackItIfYouCan.’ Today, someone changed it to ‘ChallengeAccepted.’. Happy as a clam. I like rumors. Birthday: A day to celebrate that you haven’t died in the last year. This photogenic platform is part of the routine of many people, especially while traveling. I eat cake because it is somebody’s birthday somewhere! Keep trying people.. keep trying . I don’t mind, and you don’t matter. If you can fake that, you’re in. Then I do the things. Funny enough. You are not a jar of Nutella. Being single is smarter than being in the wrong relationship. From another point of view. I don’t think outside the box either. Bikini season is right around the corner. So much thought goes into clicking the perfect picture, to overcome issues with the lighting, the angles…it is a work of art! They call it a ‘selfie’ because ‘narcissistic’ is too hard to spell. I’ll be poor. There are so many great Instagram captions, from inspiring quotes to witty sayings. If people call me cute, I am happier. Are you ok? "Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport." Some days I amaze myself. Don’t let anyone tell you that you wear too much black. I hope we are good friends until we die, then i hope we can stay ghost friends, walk through walls and scare people. You close your eyes for 5 minutes, it’s 1:31. I don’t know what’s tighter, our jeans or … How do you call a pig that does karate? The people who need it most never use it! We’ll be the old ladies causing trouble in the nursing home. I don’t believe in plastic surgery. Constantly taking selfies of yourself won’t make you prettier. Do I run? I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it. Use our list of funny, inspirational, and cute beach captions and quotes for friends, couples, or selfie beach photos. it’s called Monday, please fix it. Me . That’s a game you can’t win. – Unknown, A man says a lot of things in summer he doesn’t mean in winter. I am a ninja. Be the reason someone smiles today. Actually, I am just incredibly motivated to do nothing. You know that feeling when the really cute girl walks by in the mall, and you smile, try to be smooth, and take a drink of tea, and run the straw up your nose? Girls just wanna have sun. And everyone can see that but you. You may win, but in the end you’re still a retard. What's your point? No, you are not. People are people but my fellows are really fellows. The happiest people don’t have the best of everything, they make the best of everything. Too bad, if you liked it, you should have put a ring on it. “Not everyone has to ride off into the sunset with a man. At night I become a bit more open-minded. Looking for some funny Instagram captions to use? Either you’re on a roll or you’re taking shit from asshole. Choosing the right words can be a challenge, so here are the best cool, cute, funny and luxury captions for Instagram. I never make the same mistake twice. You never know what you’re gonna get. You cry. How did I get back to my crib last night. But in your case, go ahead. ... View all comments. Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat cake. LIFE, EYELINER, EVERYTHING. Take a look at some of men’s funniest remarks and use it for your funny Instagram captions instead. If I was funny, I would have a good Instagram caption. Imma worry ‘bout me, give a f**k about you. You’re just a little too crazy for their taste. There is no such thing as a perfect person, but someone’s heart can have the perfect intention. Honesty is the key to a relationship. If a dentist makes their money from unhealthy teeth, why would I trust a product 4/5 of them recommend? My life, My choices, My mistakes, My lessons, Not your business. Be as picky with your men as you are with your selfies. Cool = I don’t care. F.R.I.E.N.D.S. It’s not about who would let me, it’s about who will stop me? The relationship is great!”, “I got a haircut! Unless you’re a banana. Strangers think I’m quiet, my friends think I’m outgoing, but my best friends know that I’m completely insane. Some people have so little going on in their lives, they would rather discuss yours. Dear Lord, there is a bug in your software… it’s called Monday, please fix it. I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today. Cupcakes are muffins that believe in miracles. If you fall, I will be there. I am standing outside. I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time? I am on a seafood diet. Thank you for sharing your big day with me, and a special thank you to the cake you’re serving. I don’t even know where the box is. I barely take suggestions. Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you they can’t laugh either. Changed all my passwords to incorrect, then every time I forget my password, it says “your password is incorrect”. If you look in the mirror when your eyes are shut, it’s like watching yourself when you’re asleep. There is never a time or place for true love. He said, “Papers.” I said, “Scissors and I win.” Don’t think the cop found it funny. I’m not a Facebook status. Enjoy! Exactly. Forget love, I’d rather fall in chocolate. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I am not so sure. If you are going to speak bad things about me on my back, come to me. No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. Decrease speed until walking in front of you. We share handwritten guides to boost your Social Media Marketing genuinely. If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. How do I feel when there is no Coffee? Just stop. Either accept it for what it is or let it go. Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face. Drinking every night because we drink to my accomplishments. Started not to give a f**k and stopped fearing the consequence. I don’t take orders. Here is more sayings: positive survived another “end of the world” scenario. Fasten your seatbelts, it’s going to be a bumpy night! Keep close to nature’s heart. – Patricia Briggs, Some of the best memories are made in flip flops. A clever person solves a problem. Not everyone has good taste. I’ve built an empire with the bricks they’ve thrown at me. HOW I FEEL WHEN THERE IS NO COFFEE? Never not chasing a million things I want. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Got a new phone today, my old phone failed the swimming test. And a chair. I know you are a sensitive person but no worry I am Sensodyne to your sensitivity. Travel Puns and Insta Captions for Countries with the Letter P Peru. Dogs and cats are not allowed in my private pictures. You actually have friends? Something must be wrong, you haven’t posted a selfie in days. DEJA POO: The feeling that you’ve heard this crap before. Don’t worry about those who talk behind your back, they’re behind you for a reason. If you don’t have my number, then that means you don’t know me well enough to have a problem. My mom – Why is everything in your room on the floor? I hate captions that don’t belong to my selfie. Not complaining about this view. These are the top 22 funny dog memes on the entire internet (or... at least just our favorites). No matter the occasion—be it a heartfelt Valentine's Day post, or a latergram from the last trip you took—these captions will give your partner all the the feels (and you all the likes). Neither does this picture.”, “How do I get out of this glass prison? !My bed is a magical place. I don’t think inside the box. Life gets better. I made a huge list for today. You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera. NEW DAY, NEW STRENGTH, NEW THOUGHTS. The only F word out a woman’s mouth that scares me is “fine.”. Instagram Captions for Summer. Saltwater heals all wounds. Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them. It’s scary when it disappears. Another daily selfie on Instagram! Being famous on Instagram is like being rich on Monopoly. Until I bought a bag of chips. You jump off a really tall cliff. I myself never feel that I’m sexy. As soon as I jump into it, it reminds me of all the things I haven’t yet completed. Now tell me who is jealous of who? Crazy? Good morning beautiful! I think something’s missing in my life. I Live And I Learn But I Wait My Turn. I have to stare at the ceiling and question every decision I’ve ever made. At night I fall asleep. Friends are like flowers, they add color to your life..!! Look behind you see any eager faces, waiting for your next post? Friends are medicine for a wounded heart. Funny Cat Captions. Make the most out of tonight, and worry ‘bout it all tomorrow. Yet it remains the funniest! Volleyball is just a really intense version of “don’t let the ball touch the floor”. Obviously a girl because it won’t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas. I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat. College lectures would be so much fun with Game of Thrones references. It is Priceless to find friends with same mental disorder. Well ok, grab a chair and wait for me to care. You close your eyes for 5 minutes, it’s 7:45. What others think of me is none of my business! They ain’t make me what I am, they just found me like this. It’s bad manners to keep a vacation waiting. How I feel when there is no coffee? 35+ Captions For Bee Costumes for Instagram Post (Updated DEC 28), 55+ Justin Bieber Captions for IG INCLUDED Lyrics from New Album, 47 Incredible Golden Birthday Captions for Instagram Pictures, Enjoy! I look at people sometimes and think. — Al Gore. I am not feeling lazy actually. At least this balloon is attracted to me! Ans: Yeah, bro, all 10 seasons on DVD. The fridge is a clear example that what matters is on the inside. Type above and press Enter to search. You’re so cute. Make milkshakes they said, the boys will come to your yard they said. Life status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin …. These two make such a gouda couple. I don’t want to sleep like a baby. I’m on a seafood diet, I see food and I eat it. You never know what you have until you clean your room. Another selfie, I hope those likes give you the confidence you need to get through your day. View this post on Instagram . If you don’t like this one, you’re definitely not going to like the other one. Dear God, there is a bug in your week Software. When you fall I will be ready to catch you- with love, floor. If you can’t eat it or play with it, just pee on it and walk away. In the event that you don’t have anything decent to say, come sit by me, and we can ridicule individuals together, Presumably the best meat eater on the planet, All I need is some Vitamin Sea *insert wave emoji*, Keep Palm and Carry On *insert palm tree emoji*, A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken. I love to collect pictures of natural disasters. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. Enjoy! Forget the butterflies, I feel the whole zoo when I’m with you. Worst two minutes of my life. Even after we die, we can become ghosties and scare people forever. Fighting with me is like being in the special olympics. Life is like a balloon. What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing “k” instead of “ok”? Toto, I’ve got a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore. Wake up beautiful.”, “An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.”, “I tried to be normal once. Then I suggest you quit finding me. You know you’re very popular when people you don’t even know hate you. People are like Oreos. You can’t make everybody happy. I should get down off this unicorn and slap you. I don’t think inside the box. I’mma sip it ‘til i feel it, I’mma smoke it ‘til it’s done. Scenery Captions For Instagram. There should be a holiday dedicated to all the brave people who show up to work n Mondays. Know what it’s made of? I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here. Always remember that you’re unique. My diet plan: make all of my best friends cookies; the fatter they get, the thinner I look. There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldn’t jump puddles for you.

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